Sometimes I Wish

That work was like high school. That parents could write notes and excuse absences.  It's not because tomorrow is Monday. It's not because of an impending feeling of dread that all the stress from last week is going to return as of tomorrow afternoon (Ok, that might be partly why).  I am just tired.  Like can't get up of the couch, caffeine isn't helping kind of tired.

Last week was not the worst week I've had anxiety wise, but it was also not the best. The kind of week where dropping a pen on floor would make me mad or worse, sad. Oh and when my  shoes wouldn't go on over top of AFOs ? Uh yeah, that was bad.  I kind of maybe tore the the AFOs off, threw them under my desk closely followed by the stupid supportive high tops that started the whole issue and maybe, just maybe, thought about giving up on walking for good.  I shed a few tears and then calmed down and received some good advice that simply said "try again Monday."  I don't know why it got to me so bad.  Maybe it's because I hate shoes and AFOs together.  Maybe it's because I have tried many, many times while sweating, straining, fighting, pushing, pulling and honestly, screaming/swearing to get them on.  Maybe it's because that was the goal that was pushed back in OT (I had a heck of a lot more important things to worry about at that point). Maybe it was because I had been having lots of shoulder pain issues.  Maybe I was overtired and overstressed. Maybe I needed to have a meltdown.

I try my best when my anxiety is bad for days/weeks/ a month on end to be happy, but, I feel so distracted, frustrated, and most of all I feel like I'm failing. Failing at holding it together. Failing at looking beyond the worry, the stress, the pain, the AFOs, the sleepless nights, the rough days, the equipment issues that have happened recently (bath lift isn't charging and outdoor lift had to be serviced) to how entirely blessed I am.

- When I called to have the lift fixed, he came bright and early the next morning so I could have it to use to go to work even though they were short staffed. (The guy I spoke with even said if he couldn't get someone out he would come and do the adjustment himself)

- I have a lot of abilities and am continuing to make progress (Ok, the shoes can kiss it :)

- I've been able to walk at work.

- Waterskiing season will be here soon.

- Coffee. I love my coffee.

And now, with a better attitude after getting it out, I am going to go to work and have a good day tomorrow.  I will not be stressed.  Instead, I will drink my coffee.  I haven't failed, I needed a refresher; a restart.

J

Kind of a Mess

My head is a mess of thoughts and therefore this post probably will be.  Sorry.

I had a pretty successful time in the kitchen a few weekends ago. Remember how straining things was an issue? Well, mom found a strainer that you put in/overtop of the pot of water with pasta or whatever in it and then when it's done you take it out and just shake the water out.   I know that's not a great explanation, I tried to find a link.  Next time I use it I'll try and take pictures.

I have also figured out how to pin my bangs out of my face and am doing even better with straightening my hair so, I'm making some progress.

I am also taking off to Vancouver for a couple of days in July with my friends. This will be my first time back in BC since my grandma passed away and also my first time on plane since then, it'll be bittersweet I think.

I am asking a personal favour. Gavin Leong from Chasing Rainbows passed away very unexpectedly. So wrong. Please keep his family in your prayers.  If you are willing, please post this photo to your Facebook, blog, whatever.

It's times like this that I just don't understand.  My heart breaks for his family and I just can not even begin to grasp how this fits in Gods plan.  Yes, he has a plan. Yes he is bigger than I. Yes he has knowledge and understanding beyond what we do, but, I JUST don't understand. I'm kind of angry to be honest. I didn't know him personally and I fell apart for his family the other day.  Maybe I shouldn't be angry, maybe I should try and understand that some good came from it. Peoples' lives were saved because of Gavin's organs and his amazingly strong, selfless parents. 

Please take five minutes to go visit his moms blog and get to know their story here 

Keep fighting. Keep praying. Keep hoping. 

J

Worth It

I found this photo and it inspired a post ( sorry I haven't posted since October... Shame on me)

I lost a little bit of progress with walking because of a combination of me/my boss being busy, holidays, being sick, hip issue act. but we're getting back on track.  Still working hard and not giving in.  We just passed the year mark of walking at work and I am still hopeful that progress continues to be made and I can eventually start walking without help with my walker.  I don't feel like my confidence is quiet there yet because within a matter of seconds, my walker can slide just a bit to far and uh-oh!  I also went out and bought some high-tops yesterday in hopes that they might be easier to get on (still not as far as me putting them on, we're just not there yet) but for whoever puts them on and I'm also hopeful they'll help support my ankle a bit more.  I currently have a tiny little scrap on my foot (same kind/spot as the one I had that the nurse at rehab wrapped and what not) that we have wrapped and healing.  It's not even a big deal, but, my socks keep rubbing it.  

My anxiety issues are still there, but, better.  I guess probably the reason I haven't been posting is not much has changed.  

Last night I went for dinner with my sister and my nephew  and I was transferring into the booth and my shoe got stuck on my footrest. Keep in mind, my sister is holding my sleeping nephew and still trying to help; the lady sitting at a table across from us (who has young kids of her own) gets up and asks if she can help. At this point, I'm not going to say no because I'm really sure what I can do. She helps me and then moves my chair back.  As we are getting up to leave, I knew I'd be fine, but there she was again :). Then, she stood in front of me paying her bill and held the door open and told me she hoped I had a great evening.  You know,  there are a lot of ignorant people in the world, but, besides the fact that fighting through it is so worth it, it makes me extra grateful when there is people like this lady.

Anyways, I hope everyone is doing well.  

J

"He's not jaded or bitter, he's gonna leave the givin' up for the quitters."

Steps.

I went out of town this weekend to visit my grandparents for the day. To all you non-Canadian readers, it was Thanksgiving this weekend so we decided to get have lunch with them.  They have stairs in their apartment and dad assumed he was going to be the one carting me up and down. Instead, I dared to try something. I walked. Up and back down with no AFOS and virtually no help from dad (until we got to going down and I damn near went face first because my shoes were tied funky.  He may have had to help when we got to the very top where there was no railing or I may have just arm planted it onto the floor, I don't remember).  My grandparents haven't seen me walk in a LONG time, so this was a big deal. My grandma was quite excited and my grandpa who is generally pretty quiet was quite impressed.

I was pretty freaking thrilled.  I've been able to walk up and down stairs for sometime, but always needed a lot of supervision and sometimes a lot of physical support and usually AFOS.

But what was truly different about this time was the confidence I felt.  I looked at the stairs and thought, "I CAN do this. I WILL do this."     I credit the confidence to all the walking that we do at work.  Sometimes, it feels like walking at work gets me nowhere.  Sure, it helps my muscles, but my boss still has to be there, he still has to be ready to react at any given second, so I thought the confidence I felt was confidence in his ability and knowing he was ready to stop falls, provide assistance, and just generally his ability to keep walking a safe thing for me.  That was until Saturday. Yes, I most certainly have confidence in him, but, I have some new confidence in my own ability, too.  When we walk, he tells me good job or that I'm walking faster or whatever, but, I don't see it.  That's hard. I know he's right and that I am doing better than when I first started ( at least comfort wise), but, sometimes I feel like people tell me they see improvement just to make me feel better. Proving to myself this weekend, proving that work has paid off was a pretty awesome feeling.

My next big goal is to use my walker without needing to use the gait belt (the thing that is used to hold onto to me in case I start falling or need help). How I'll go about it, I'm not sure. I might see if I can go back to Rehab for a couple of sessions or at least to let my Physical Therapist assess whether she feels this is something I am ready to do.

For now, I am happy with where I'm at.

  "A thousand miles, a leap of faith and that first step and you'll find out just how strong you are.
  Keep on shootin' for the moon, reachin' for the stars, runnin' with the wind, followin' your heart and          flyin'. Laugh until you cry, listen to the rain, love with all ya' got. Never be afraid of dreamin', believe in. You can.  You win, you lose. You fall, you climb. You only fail if you don't try."- " You Can"- Jason Blaine.

J

Really People?

I had a good few days off. Chemistry is going really well. Shoulder is still kind of icky.  Work is a bit better.

I am posting tonight because I read something that made me very angry.  On the right hand side of my blog is a link to Caleb's blog.  Caleb is a sweet, independent, happy, vibrant, little boy who just happens to have Spina Bifida.  His mom started a blog to share their journey; to help families going through the same thing.  His mom posted a picture of his Halloween costume on the blog and when she Googled wheelchair Halloween costumes, she found this picture with a crude joke plastered all over the Internet.  I don't know what it was and frankly, I don't want to know.  When she asked to have it taken down, most sites took care of it, no questions asked.  Others were downright rude.  I fail to see what is wrong with people.  I will never understand it.  We all blog to vent, to share our journey, to celebrate progress, and to find sources of support.  If you don't like what I write, fine. You don't have to.  But, until you have walked my journey, until you know what it feels like, don't joke and don't judge.  This is what forces so many people to never start a blog or to stop using their blog.  So much wasted knowledge and support. For what? A stupid joke.


 Please make sure to remind people that you read their blog and that they are valuable.

To Caleb's Mama ( and all the other bloggers out there), I appreciate you.  I share in your joy, I feel your pain, and I know that we all have unique journeys, but, because of people like you who are willing to share your happiest and worst moments I know that I am not alone, that miracles and progress (little and big) are possible, and that there are things so very worth fighting for.

I will stand up and fight.  I have an army of people to join me.


Thank you for sharing in this journey.

"He's no jaded or bitter, he's gonna leave the givin' up for the quitters."

J

Vacay!

I took some time off work.  Originally, I was supposed to have Monday-Friday off.  Another co-worker has Friday off so I'd said I'd come back Friday to help them out.  Then I dropped Physics, so, I decided I'd go back Wednesday.  I'm actually looking forward to going back. I'm bored. I think a few days off is probably what I needed, though.

Yeah, Physics became a point of WAY to much stress.  I decided to drop it and try it again later on.  I was doing pretty well in the beginning but, then, got behind so I started rushing through assignments and quizzes and ended up doing very poorly to the point that I felt there was no point in completing the course because I KNOW I can do well, I just need a fresh start and to keep on top of it.  I have enrolled in an online Chemistry class that has an official start date of tomorrow.  After that course is over, I will try Physics again.

My shoulders are giving me a run for my money right now as well.  Pain and tingling.  Blah.

Anyways, when some exciting stuff happens I'll be sure to update.

"He's not jaded or bitter, he's gonna leave the givin' up for the quitters."

J

And Then...

My birthday was pretty freaking awesome! I celebrated from Thursday-Monday with family and friends.  Dinners. Movie. Shopping. All fun stuff!

Waterski season is over, unfortunately, but I am counting down the days until June 1st when I can get out the water again.  The person I was side skiing with has offered to do it again next season. We are just trying to line up a release person (the person who releases the rope from my ski if I wipe out) and I'm thinking dad will be able to do that. I'm thinking I may use a week of holidays and spend some evenings out on the water.  Such an amazing feeling being out there. 

Speaking of holidays, school has started up again so I have taken a week off to get work done and close the books on this Physics class. 

I also ended up back at the medi-clinic again. I had been having some side pain that turned into back pain and suspected a UTI. Yup. 7 days of Macrobid twice a day.  

So needless to say, things are busy as ever.

Thanks for reading!

J

"He's not jaded or bitter, he's gonna leave the givin' up for the quitters."