Worth It

I found this photo and it inspired a post ( sorry I haven't posted since October... Shame on me)

I lost a little bit of progress with walking because of a combination of me/my boss being busy, holidays, being sick, hip issue act. but we're getting back on track.  Still working hard and not giving in.  We just passed the year mark of walking at work and I am still hopeful that progress continues to be made and I can eventually start walking without help with my walker.  I don't feel like my confidence is quiet there yet because within a matter of seconds, my walker can slide just a bit to far and uh-oh!  I also went out and bought some high-tops yesterday in hopes that they might be easier to get on (still not as far as me putting them on, we're just not there yet) but for whoever puts them on and I'm also hopeful they'll help support my ankle a bit more.  I currently have a tiny little scrap on my foot (same kind/spot as the one I had that the nurse at rehab wrapped and what not) that we have wrapped and healing.  It's not even a big deal, but, my socks keep rubbing it.  

My anxiety issues are still there, but, better.  I guess probably the reason I haven't been posting is not much has changed.  

Last night I went for dinner with my sister and my nephew  and I was transferring into the booth and my shoe got stuck on my footrest. Keep in mind, my sister is holding my sleeping nephew and still trying to help; the lady sitting at a table across from us (who has young kids of her own) gets up and asks if she can help. At this point, I'm not going to say no because I'm really sure what I can do. She helps me and then moves my chair back.  As we are getting up to leave, I knew I'd be fine, but there she was again :). Then, she stood in front of me paying her bill and held the door open and told me she hoped I had a great evening.  You know,  there are a lot of ignorant people in the world, but, besides the fact that fighting through it is so worth it, it makes me extra grateful when there is people like this lady.

Anyways, I hope everyone is doing well.  

J

"He's not jaded or bitter, he's gonna leave the givin' up for the quitters."

Steps.

I went out of town this weekend to visit my grandparents for the day. To all you non-Canadian readers, it was Thanksgiving this weekend so we decided to get have lunch with them.  They have stairs in their apartment and dad assumed he was going to be the one carting me up and down. Instead, I dared to try something. I walked. Up and back down with no AFOS and virtually no help from dad (until we got to going down and I damn near went face first because my shoes were tied funky.  He may have had to help when we got to the very top where there was no railing or I may have just arm planted it onto the floor, I don't remember).  My grandparents haven't seen me walk in a LONG time, so this was a big deal. My grandma was quite excited and my grandpa who is generally pretty quiet was quite impressed.

I was pretty freaking thrilled.  I've been able to walk up and down stairs for sometime, but always needed a lot of supervision and sometimes a lot of physical support and usually AFOS.

But what was truly different about this time was the confidence I felt.  I looked at the stairs and thought, "I CAN do this. I WILL do this."     I credit the confidence to all the walking that we do at work.  Sometimes, it feels like walking at work gets me nowhere.  Sure, it helps my muscles, but my boss still has to be there, he still has to be ready to react at any given second, so I thought the confidence I felt was confidence in his ability and knowing he was ready to stop falls, provide assistance, and just generally his ability to keep walking a safe thing for me.  That was until Saturday. Yes, I most certainly have confidence in him, but, I have some new confidence in my own ability, too.  When we walk, he tells me good job or that I'm walking faster or whatever, but, I don't see it.  That's hard. I know he's right and that I am doing better than when I first started ( at least comfort wise), but, sometimes I feel like people tell me they see improvement just to make me feel better. Proving to myself this weekend, proving that work has paid off was a pretty awesome feeling.

My next big goal is to use my walker without needing to use the gait belt (the thing that is used to hold onto to me in case I start falling or need help). How I'll go about it, I'm not sure. I might see if I can go back to Rehab for a couple of sessions or at least to let my Physical Therapist assess whether she feels this is something I am ready to do.

For now, I am happy with where I'm at.

  "A thousand miles, a leap of faith and that first step and you'll find out just how strong you are.
  Keep on shootin' for the moon, reachin' for the stars, runnin' with the wind, followin' your heart and          flyin'. Laugh until you cry, listen to the rain, love with all ya' got. Never be afraid of dreamin', believe in. You can.  You win, you lose. You fall, you climb. You only fail if you don't try."- " You Can"- Jason Blaine.

J

Really People?

I had a good few days off. Chemistry is going really well. Shoulder is still kind of icky.  Work is a bit better.

I am posting tonight because I read something that made me very angry.  On the right hand side of my blog is a link to Caleb's blog.  Caleb is a sweet, independent, happy, vibrant, little boy who just happens to have Spina Bifida.  His mom started a blog to share their journey; to help families going through the same thing.  His mom posted a picture of his Halloween costume on the blog and when she Googled wheelchair Halloween costumes, she found this picture with a crude joke plastered all over the Internet.  I don't know what it was and frankly, I don't want to know.  When she asked to have it taken down, most sites took care of it, no questions asked.  Others were downright rude.  I fail to see what is wrong with people.  I will never understand it.  We all blog to vent, to share our journey, to celebrate progress, and to find sources of support.  If you don't like what I write, fine. You don't have to.  But, until you have walked my journey, until you know what it feels like, don't joke and don't judge.  This is what forces so many people to never start a blog or to stop using their blog.  So much wasted knowledge and support. For what? A stupid joke.


 Please make sure to remind people that you read their blog and that they are valuable.

To Caleb's Mama ( and all the other bloggers out there), I appreciate you.  I share in your joy, I feel your pain, and I know that we all have unique journeys, but, because of people like you who are willing to share your happiest and worst moments I know that I am not alone, that miracles and progress (little and big) are possible, and that there are things so very worth fighting for.

I will stand up and fight.  I have an army of people to join me.


Thank you for sharing in this journey.

"He's no jaded or bitter, he's gonna leave the givin' up for the quitters."

J

Vacay!

I took some time off work.  Originally, I was supposed to have Monday-Friday off.  Another co-worker has Friday off so I'd said I'd come back Friday to help them out.  Then I dropped Physics, so, I decided I'd go back Wednesday.  I'm actually looking forward to going back. I'm bored. I think a few days off is probably what I needed, though.

Yeah, Physics became a point of WAY to much stress.  I decided to drop it and try it again later on.  I was doing pretty well in the beginning but, then, got behind so I started rushing through assignments and quizzes and ended up doing very poorly to the point that I felt there was no point in completing the course because I KNOW I can do well, I just need a fresh start and to keep on top of it.  I have enrolled in an online Chemistry class that has an official start date of tomorrow.  After that course is over, I will try Physics again.

My shoulders are giving me a run for my money right now as well.  Pain and tingling.  Blah.

Anyways, when some exciting stuff happens I'll be sure to update.

"He's not jaded or bitter, he's gonna leave the givin' up for the quitters."

J

And Then...

My birthday was pretty freaking awesome! I celebrated from Thursday-Monday with family and friends.  Dinners. Movie. Shopping. All fun stuff!

Waterski season is over, unfortunately, but I am counting down the days until June 1st when I can get out the water again.  The person I was side skiing with has offered to do it again next season. We are just trying to line up a release person (the person who releases the rope from my ski if I wipe out) and I'm thinking dad will be able to do that. I'm thinking I may use a week of holidays and spend some evenings out on the water.  Such an amazing feeling being out there. 

Speaking of holidays, school has started up again so I have taken a week off to get work done and close the books on this Physics class. 

I also ended up back at the medi-clinic again. I had been having some side pain that turned into back pain and suspected a UTI. Yup. 7 days of Macrobid twice a day.  

So needless to say, things are busy as ever.

Thanks for reading!

J

"He's not jaded or bitter, he's gonna leave the givin' up for the quitters."

Exhausted

Emotionally. Physically. I am breaking.

My shoulder has started hurting day in and out again.  I don't know what set it off, but, I do know that I was supposed to go waterskiing Monday and couldn't because my shoulder hurt.  That made me sad. Really sad.  This is the first time in a long time my shoulder has put the kibosh on something I really wanted to do.  I went for lunch with a friend and was probably not all that fun to be around.

Monday was an ok day at work.  Tuesday was whatever. Wednesday and Thursday were bad.  Anxiety attacks. Pure frustration. I don't know exactly why.  I do know that I have been in a slump.  That is sales.  It sucks but, it's true.  The bossman and I had a chat yesterday and he assured me it happens it to everyone.  He also thinks it might do me some good to take a few days off and gave me a few options for doing that, so that is something I need to consider.  I love my job.  I really do, but, I think sometimes I forget that I can only do so much.  I can not control other people (cause my life would be SO much easier and less stressful :) I need a break.  I have next Thursday off as of now because it's my birthday, so that'll be cool and my birthday party is Friday which I'm excited about.

I'm hopeful that after a good night's sleep and some time off and some things to look forward to, things will get better cause I'm hanging on by a thread at the moment.

Please say a prayer that the constant headaches and shoulder pain subside and that anxiety gets better and that work gets less stressful and more productive.

As always,

Thanks for reading.

J

"He's not jaded or bitter, he's gonna leave the givin' up for the quitters."

Not a Good End to the Week.

I went waterskiing last Monday and had a ball! This time I only wiped out twice and only needed to be held onto while we were doing the turns.  I ended up actually being able to ski back to the dock and throw the rope, and get out of the wake.  I am trying to arrange to go next week when I have some time off.  I am also looking for a nice pink lifejacket.  Anyone have any tips?

On Wednesday I woke up in the middle of the night with a sore throat, Wednesday night, my boss told me I looked totally wiped, so I went home and got some sleep. Thursday, I  walked in and the first thing he said after I said hi was don't take this the wrong way, but, you sound like crap. Why are you here? I am seriously committed to my job, is the reason, maybe.  Thursday night I told him if I still feel this bad, he cut me off before I could even finish sand said. Stay home. I'm ordering you to :).  I didn't stay home because I went to an appointment yesterday morning to have my backrest installed and did fine.  Big mistake. I felt like crap shortly after I got there so when dad got off work, I would have him come pick me up.  My eye had been kind of funny all week, sore underneath my actual eye (the boney part) but, I assumed it was sinus issues.  Then yesterday it became really, really itchy and my supervisor told me it looked really red and it hurt to blink. My boss thought it was pink eye so I freaked out and told dad I was going to the medi-clinic.  I arranged for the bus to come pick me up (after being on hold for about 18 minutes).  No pink eye as far as they can tell, just a sty.  It is super itchy, but, if you scratch it, it hurts and you don't want it to pop because if you get bacteria in your eye, it's going to get infected. Doctor said to do hot compresses and if it doesn't get better in a week or so, to come back.  As far as the cold goes, no antibiotics as of now, but if it hangs on or gets worse, back I go. I felt really bad about leaving work, but, of course, it was fine and I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to things like that.  I texted my boss twice to make sure no one was mad. No it's fine. Are you SURE? Yes, no big deal.  Even before I left: Is this an issue? Did I say anything about it being an issue? No.... Yeah it's a HUGE issue and I think you should be worried about your job (insert sarcastic tone here.) Well that's not funny.  No, it's not a problem. Go to the doctor. Do you see a pattern here? :)


I got a new backrest yesterday.  A Varilite Icon and I love it ($700 later...) My DME also showed me a cool demo chair that he had there; a Panthera. It is the lights chair on the market I believe and it was made by a Formula One race car driver who was injured and became a quadriplegic.  He made the chair out of different materials from his racing days which I thought was awesome.  DME thinks when I need a new chair, it'll be a good option for me as far as my shoulder goes, although, adaptability of this chair is not as nearly as wide as something like a TiLite. The reason for that is keeping it light and also, the prototype for the chair was two million dollars, so a prototype for when people need something adapted would be more of an expense as compared to a profit.


My seatbelt has needed to be looked at for a while (it came off again) and so, he showed me something that Body Point just came out with (I was the first one to try it, he had just taken it out of the package.). It is a seatbelt that is mounted the seat rails of my chair and it is rigid (has no give) so when you take it off, it goes out to the either side and stays like that (doesn't fall in between the wheels and side guards)  He told me if I want to buy it, I can and he'll get another demo.  It is padded so, that's a bonus.  It is $140 which isn't all that bad for a brand new product that is a medical expense.

Ok, I'm done. Time for some cold meds and tea :)

"He's not jaded or bitter, he's gonna leave the givin' up for the quitters."

J