Sometimes I Wish

That work was like high school. That parents could write notes and excuse absences.  It's not because tomorrow is Monday. It's not because of an impending feeling of dread that all the stress from last week is going to return as of tomorrow afternoon (Ok, that might be partly why).  I am just tired.  Like can't get up of the couch, caffeine isn't helping kind of tired.

Last week was not the worst week I've had anxiety wise, but it was also not the best. The kind of week where dropping a pen on floor would make me mad or worse, sad. Oh and when my  shoes wouldn't go on over top of AFOs ? Uh yeah, that was bad.  I kind of maybe tore the the AFOs off, threw them under my desk closely followed by the stupid supportive high tops that started the whole issue and maybe, just maybe, thought about giving up on walking for good.  I shed a few tears and then calmed down and received some good advice that simply said "try again Monday."  I don't know why it got to me so bad.  Maybe it's because I hate shoes and AFOs together.  Maybe it's because I have tried many, many times while sweating, straining, fighting, pushing, pulling and honestly, screaming/swearing to get them on.  Maybe it's because that was the goal that was pushed back in OT (I had a heck of a lot more important things to worry about at that point). Maybe it was because I had been having lots of shoulder pain issues.  Maybe I was overtired and overstressed. Maybe I needed to have a meltdown.

I try my best when my anxiety is bad for days/weeks/ a month on end to be happy, but, I feel so distracted, frustrated, and most of all I feel like I'm failing. Failing at holding it together. Failing at looking beyond the worry, the stress, the pain, the AFOs, the sleepless nights, the rough days, the equipment issues that have happened recently (bath lift isn't charging and outdoor lift had to be serviced) to how entirely blessed I am.

- When I called to have the lift fixed, he came bright and early the next morning so I could have it to use to go to work even though they were short staffed. (The guy I spoke with even said if he couldn't get someone out he would come and do the adjustment himself)

- I have a lot of abilities and am continuing to make progress (Ok, the shoes can kiss it :)

- I've been able to walk at work.

- Waterskiing season will be here soon.

- Coffee. I love my coffee.

And now, with a better attitude after getting it out, I am going to go to work and have a good day tomorrow.  I will not be stressed.  Instead, I will drink my coffee.  I haven't failed, I needed a refresher; a restart.

J