Hi, Remember me?

Hello folks,

Sorry for my extremely extended absence. Work and school kept me busy, and so has waterskiing.


I started university at the beginning of January and just finished up a few weeks ago.   I only took one online class just to see how things would go and so I could still work.  It was a Psychology class, so lots of memorizing and stuff, not to mention a lot of sleepless nights and a lot of caffeine fuelled mornings.


At the end of March I headed to Florida for a waterski training. Best. Thing. Ever.  I was nervous to go just because out of all the sit skiers there, I had the least experience, but being on the water for five consecutive days for full days allowed for some major skill improvement.   What you should know is that last summer, I could not balance my ski in the water, not even when I was just sitting in the water. I was also using a beginner ski.   In January,  I was told that I should take the ski to the pool and try and practice balancing.  Well, it paid off.  I balanced that ski and in the water and since then have I abeen able to graduate to a intermediate slalom ski.  I now have purchased all my own gear.  A super awesome pink slalom ski, a cage that is also pink (Don't judge, I have a pink addiction, okay?!) , along with a few life vests and some ropes.  I truly have found my sport.  My passion.  I have started eating better, drinking more water, I even booked a nutrition consult and will be heading to the gym for my first training session on Saturday. At 8am. With no coffee.  This should tell something, people.  I hate mornings.  Saturdays are my day to sleep in.  I also require coffee in the morning.  Do you now understand my level of commitment to the sport?   It is funny, at first I did not want to compete, I just wanted to ski just because, but now that I know I will ski independently I want to do it ALL.  Seriously.  I want to ski to compete.  I want to travel.   I want to learn all I can.  Here is the other thing you should know about me.  I struggle to stay committed to activities longer than like 6 months.  I played guitar for four, I horseback rode for a year off and on.   Waterskiing has lasted almost 2 years.  That is a big deal and I don't plan on stopping anytime soon.   The financial investment has been huge (notice investment, not expense), but that is okay.

Here is the thing though.  I need more water time. I live in a province where I get 3 months to ski.  That is it.  Therefore maximizing water time is important for success.  I have a job that does not allow for that.  I have waterski equipment that costs a lot.  You see my dilemma here, I am sure.  

I am not totally feeling like myself right now.  Worrying. Struggling. I will get through it, I always do.

That's all for now,

J

"He's not jaded or bitter, he's gonna leave the givin' up for the quitters."

Tattoos.

Long time, no post!  Sorry.  


I wanted to post tonight about tattoos.  More specifically disability and tattoos.

For those of you that do not know this,  I have three tattoos; the 3E Love Symbol for International Acceptance, a Cerebral Palsy Awareness Ribbon, and my personal favourite, my waterski tattoo.

First of, if you are considering getting a tattoo these are the thing I urge you to consider:

1. Placement- I have all of my tattoos in places that they can be covered.  Let's face it, they are not always accepted in the professional world. Currently, I have a job that does allow me to show my tattoos (although preference is that they are covered, there are no "rules") but this may or may not be the case in the future.  I like to think that because of the field I will be entering career wise, my tattoos will be looked at my way of expressing my story, but that may not happen.

I absolutely refuse to have anything put on my legs or feet because of spasms.  I have heard of people tying down legs and arms.  Personally, that concerns me.  Tattoos can sometimes take a long time (my waterski tattoo took 3 hours)  and it is already an uncomfortable process.  Breaks happen when it is a long sitting, but, I am guessing that unless the restraint was extremely tight, the power of a spasm could still cause an arm or leg to move and ultimately cause problems with the way the tattoo comes out looking.  That being said they can do touch ups on small things.

2. What Do You Know About the Shop/Artist? Have you seen the artists work?  A tattoo is exactly that; a piece of art and needs to be done by a professional tattoo artist.   A tattoo is permanent.  It is forever.  Ask to see a portfolio of work, look at the website of the shop etc.   Don't settle.  If you don't like the drawing they give you, speak up.   Don't worry about offending them.  It is YOUR tattoo and needs to be how YOU want it.

Does the shop look clean (don't be fooled).  Does it seem they keep proper records? You can tell this by the paperwork they get you to fill out although that is not a sure fire sign.  Do they have all their certifications and such visible?    Two of the places I got tattoos from were places where people I or my family knew had gone.  The other is owned my my moms coworkers family.



3. What Does It Mean to You?- Some people think a tattoo is just a tattoo. All my tattoos have deep meanings to me.  I will not get a tattoo because it looks cool or because I dated somebody for a day (seriously there was a girl who met a guy online and the first time they met in person she got his name tattooed on her FACE in Russian.  Yes, that was a thing. Look it up if you wish).  A friend of mine told me he wanted to get a band name tattoo as a first tattoo and I told him I thought it was a bad idea.   What happens if you don't like the band anymore?  However, it really isn't anyones place to judge someone else's tattoo.  Even if he got that band name, that's his thing and I will be the last person to judge him for it.  Even when I have an opinion about a tattoo that isn't so positive,  I try and keep it to myself because tattoos aren't about what other people feel, they are about what they mean to you (I have issues with hateful tattoos but, that is a different story.)

There was a lot of talk about my waterski tattoo from family and friends:

"What if you decide you don't like waterskiing anymore? That tattoo is permanent."

Although this is in fact a possibility and also the exact same logic I used about my friends tattoo, my tattoo has a deeper meaning to me than just waterskiing.  Waterskiing makes me super happy.  Talking about waterskiing makes me happy.  But this tattoo also reminds me that even when I do not think that doing something is possible because of my Cerebral Palsy, I waterski.  I will forever have done that even if I decide not to do it anymore.  I will be forever connected to these tattoos even if I started walking tomorrow.

My waterski tattoo is quite noticeable.  It is pink, blue, yellow, and black and goes from about my elbow to my wrist.  Even with a long sleeve t-shirt it sometimes peaks out.   It has started a lot of conversations and I have to say when I tell people what it is for and that I waterski, it surprises them.  Like the random barista at Starbucks who struck up a conversation about it during morning rush? He was awesome.

What are your thoughts on tattoos? Comment below. I'm excited to hear your thoughts!

J

Waterskiing!

I got a text on Thursday that pretty much made my weekend.  We're having a Visually Impaired Ski Clinic and you are welcome to come out and ski this weekend. So in.  Was outside from 9-3 yesterday and 9:30-2 today (my shoulders were super tired, I was sunburned, and the heat was getting to me). I have very little energy at the moment.  Yesterday it was COLD! It was super windy and I think my sunburn was compounded with some windburn.  Got 2 sets in yesterday and about 6 wipeouts.  Oh well.

Today the weather was far better and I got another 2 sets in.  I am still struggling with the turns, but am learning that you simply need to move your head one way or the other. Gradual and gentle is key here.

Dad was my release person and did pretty well until he accidentally let the rope release when it wasn't supposed to.   Then, the rope got caught in the propellor of the boat when I had a wipeout so they had to take the boat in, and by take in I mean push it to the dock.  They got the rope out and carried on.

They also had dad try and side ski along with me and my side skier.  Dad hasn't skied in about 35 years.  I got a mouth and face FULL of water from dads skis.  It is too hard having 2 side skiers because I'm so worried about running into them.  My side skier can move out of the way fast enough.  Dad I was worried about.   My side skier had to hold me up for the first bit after takeoff because having dad there really threw me off.  To be completely honest, having dad side ski with me... the thought of it makes me super anxious.  I am not at all comfortable with the idea right now.   It takes a certain level of trust and confidence in your side skier to make you feel safe.  I have built that up with my current side skier.  I know he knows what he's doing.  In this particular activity, I do not have that with dad.


The lifejacket I bought in Vancouver is not good for waterskiing; one of the things you have to be able to do is lean forward in your cage and my new lifejacket has a lot of bulkiness which makes that very hard so, onto Kijij that one goes and we get a different one.  

They moved my cage onto the second most forward setting which makes leaning forward while having my bum back way easier.

Speaking of anxiety, I have found waterskiing to be very helpful.  It is one of the things that has truly helped.   Not only does it tire me out, but, when I am out on the water the only thing I am thinking about is waterskiing.  Keeping the rope low, looking at the boat, moving my head the right way etc. It is a good thing and I am super thankful to have the option.


Until Next Time,

J

"He's not jaded or bitter, he's gonna leave the givin' up for the quitters."

Holiday

I am tired so excuse the typos.  I just returned to work after being on holidays from Saturday to Wednesday.  It has been tough getting back into a routine and I plan on catching up on sleep this weekend. 

Vancouver was great!  The first day we were there we spent the day shopping at Metropolis in Metrotown.  I finally found some jeans that fit and won't fall down thanks to an amazingly helpful and patient sales girl.   Bonus? I know exactly which kind they are so, when the time comes to get new ones I can order them online (they don't have a store where I live.)   I also found a lifejacket for waterskiing.  A PINK LIFEJACKET! I've been looking for one forever and am technically supposed to have my own so I was super excited about it.

We went to the aquarium where they had penguins. Penguins! Jellyfish! Dolphins!   It was a cool thing to see although after a while I got bored.   We also went to the PNE which is an amusement park.  That was a lot of walking, transfers etc. I got a serious workout and some PT points on that one.  There was one ride I really wanted to go on so, I walked up the stairs and got on only to realize moments later that it goes upside down.  Freakout time.  I hate upside down rides.  Oh well.  I survived.  

Checked out Granville Island and bought dad a utility knife which would later be confiscated at the airport because I forgot to take it out of my backpack and into the luggage under the plane.  Whoops. 

Oh and the plane? That was interesting.  So, when we checked in for the first flight they told us that they wanted to transfer me to a different flight for my safety and the safety of the staff.  Ummm, ok? Well you see, the flight we booked was a ground boarding plane and the LOVELY call centre agent whom I spoke to told me that would be no problem. Well it was.  Then she told us the wrong time for our flight home so, we missed it.  I phoned my mom and boss FREAKING out because I needed to get home for work and they didn't think that would happen.  After much chaos, a few tears, a 'it's not the end of the world if you don't make it home for work tomorrow and panicking won't help." from my boss, we made it onto another flight thanks to some delays and made it home with a lost bag.  Argh.  They failed to tag my second bag at security so, they were supposed to tag it when they received it at the other side of baggage/security.  They did not.  It sat in the Vancouver airport but eventually made it back to me.

Thank you for your prayers for a good trip and less anxiety.   Despite a panic attackish situation on the plane on the way there, it helped to have a holiday.  Prayers for less anxiety to continue and work to go well would be much appreciated.

Ok, my eyes are closing,

J

"He's not jaded or bitter, he's gonna leave the givin' up for the quitters."

You Want the Short Version?

Hey all!

I have lots to update you on.

First off, my shoulder.  After a desperate voicemail left for my OT, it was decided I do not need to go see my Orthopaedic Surgeon again or that an ER visit was in order.   However, a new PT is the picture.  She was recommended to my OT by another PT at rehab. She has an understanding of neurological issues and has worked with kids with CP. Score. She tried laser therapy on my shoulder and it helped.  It apparently gets to the muscle on a cellular level to heal them.  Now, we are working on strengthening the weak part of my shoulder (the back) and proper shoulder positioning.   She has me working with Therabands again and we may also do taping of my shoulder to keep the shoulder blade aligned.


Anxiety issues have returned.  I have been put on a different medication which seems to be helping.  However, it has been making me feel so so so nauseous that for the time being I have stopped it.  It mad work hellish.  It made me loopy.  It is bearable, but, I am like half brained.  We were doing a training role play for the newbies yesterday.  Boss asked me to demo.  I fell on my face. Shit. When I come home, it is likely I may start it again, but, I don't want to be like this the whole time I'm in Vancouver or at work.

Yes, I am actually following through and taking 3 days off work. Holy crap, right? I fly out tomorrow evening and get back late Wednesday night.  It'll be a whirlwind trip, but a holiday nonetheless.  I just hit my two year anniversary at my job yesterday, so the timing of this was accidentally awesome. Definitely due for a holiday.


I went waterskiing on Thursday.  It. Was. Awesome.  I didn't fall and skied a ways on my own.  You know, I have to say, the guys that do side skiing are awesome.  They VOLUNTEER their time so that people can have opportunities they wouldn't otherwise have.  Now, I need to work on my turning skills.  It's tricky, but, I'll get there.



Please pray for anxiety and stress to ease and for peace.  Also for work to get better (it's our slow time so, quite stressful).

Thanks and Keep Rolling On,

J

Shoulder Issues

Hey folks,

This will be short because I need to go get ready for work.  I am cranky. I am tired. I am in a lot of pain.  My shoulder is giving me all the same issues.  All over again.  I am back at point A instead of a bit better.  I am at my wits end.  I am having a tough time even getting up and going to work.  Obviously the fact that it is interrupting daily life again is upsetting, but, I feel like it's worse this time because I have a job to worry about.

Yesterday after having pain in my arm and neck area (like the burning/tingling kind on top of muscle pain) for days on end, I said enough is enough and headed to the ER hoping to get some help.  I got there and waited for an hour just to register. Then, when the nurse asked why I was there I said shoulder pain.  She says to me "have you seen your family doctor?" Well yes, but, he's really had no answers.  I'm in a lot of pain and his office nor the medical clinic are open.  She proceeds to say well have you tired Advil? Are you fucking serious?! Yes, and it doesn't work.  Ok well if you want I can register you, but it'll be a long wait. Ok. How long? Could be 4 hours or more.  Keep in mind it is already 11:30 pm. If it had been just me waiting, I would have waited, but my friend had driven me expecting to maybe wait until 1 or at the latest 2.  So that was a no go that ended with me in tears because the nurse was so rude and dismissive. I felt stupid even going there and the registration clerk was like we have people come here for everything, no need to worry, but then this nurse just made me feel bad all over again.

I just don't know what to do anymore.  I'm taking Advil or Robax on a daily basis.  I wake up with stomach aches after taking them. The worst part is it doesn't really help all that much.  It does relax my muscles and take an edge off so I can sleep.  

I'm just frustrated.  Thoughts and advice are welcome

"He's not jaded or bitter, he's gonna leave the givin' up for the quitters."

J

Sometimes I Wish

That work was like high school. That parents could write notes and excuse absences.  It's not because tomorrow is Monday. It's not because of an impending feeling of dread that all the stress from last week is going to return as of tomorrow afternoon (Ok, that might be partly why).  I am just tired.  Like can't get up of the couch, caffeine isn't helping kind of tired.

Last week was not the worst week I've had anxiety wise, but it was also not the best. The kind of week where dropping a pen on floor would make me mad or worse, sad. Oh and when my  shoes wouldn't go on over top of AFOs ? Uh yeah, that was bad.  I kind of maybe tore the the AFOs off, threw them under my desk closely followed by the stupid supportive high tops that started the whole issue and maybe, just maybe, thought about giving up on walking for good.  I shed a few tears and then calmed down and received some good advice that simply said "try again Monday."  I don't know why it got to me so bad.  Maybe it's because I hate shoes and AFOs together.  Maybe it's because I have tried many, many times while sweating, straining, fighting, pushing, pulling and honestly, screaming/swearing to get them on.  Maybe it's because that was the goal that was pushed back in OT (I had a heck of a lot more important things to worry about at that point). Maybe it was because I had been having lots of shoulder pain issues.  Maybe I was overtired and overstressed. Maybe I needed to have a meltdown.

I try my best when my anxiety is bad for days/weeks/ a month on end to be happy, but, I feel so distracted, frustrated, and most of all I feel like I'm failing. Failing at holding it together. Failing at looking beyond the worry, the stress, the pain, the AFOs, the sleepless nights, the rough days, the equipment issues that have happened recently (bath lift isn't charging and outdoor lift had to be serviced) to how entirely blessed I am.

- When I called to have the lift fixed, he came bright and early the next morning so I could have it to use to go to work even though they were short staffed. (The guy I spoke with even said if he couldn't get someone out he would come and do the adjustment himself)

- I have a lot of abilities and am continuing to make progress (Ok, the shoes can kiss it :)

- I've been able to walk at work.

- Waterskiing season will be here soon.

- Coffee. I love my coffee.

And now, with a better attitude after getting it out, I am going to go to work and have a good day tomorrow.  I will not be stressed.  Instead, I will drink my coffee.  I haven't failed, I needed a refresher; a restart.

J

Kind of a Mess

My head is a mess of thoughts and therefore this post probably will be.  Sorry.

I had a pretty successful time in the kitchen a few weekends ago. Remember how straining things was an issue? Well, mom found a strainer that you put in/overtop of the pot of water with pasta or whatever in it and then when it's done you take it out and just shake the water out.   I know that's not a great explanation, I tried to find a link.  Next time I use it I'll try and take pictures.

I have also figured out how to pin my bangs out of my face and am doing even better with straightening my hair so, I'm making some progress.

I am also taking off to Vancouver for a couple of days in July with my friends. This will be my first time back in BC since my grandma passed away and also my first time on plane since then, it'll be bittersweet I think.

I am asking a personal favour. Gavin Leong from Chasing Rainbows passed away very unexpectedly. So wrong. Please keep his family in your prayers.  If you are willing, please post this photo to your Facebook, blog, whatever.

It's times like this that I just don't understand.  My heart breaks for his family and I just can not even begin to grasp how this fits in Gods plan.  Yes, he has a plan. Yes he is bigger than I. Yes he has knowledge and understanding beyond what we do, but, I JUST don't understand. I'm kind of angry to be honest. I didn't know him personally and I fell apart for his family the other day.  Maybe I shouldn't be angry, maybe I should try and understand that some good came from it. Peoples' lives were saved because of Gavin's organs and his amazingly strong, selfless parents. 

Please take five minutes to go visit his moms blog and get to know their story here 

Keep fighting. Keep praying. Keep hoping. 

J

Worth It

I found this photo and it inspired a post ( sorry I haven't posted since October... Shame on me)

I lost a little bit of progress with walking because of a combination of me/my boss being busy, holidays, being sick, hip issue act. but we're getting back on track.  Still working hard and not giving in.  We just passed the year mark of walking at work and I am still hopeful that progress continues to be made and I can eventually start walking without help with my walker.  I don't feel like my confidence is quiet there yet because within a matter of seconds, my walker can slide just a bit to far and uh-oh!  I also went out and bought some high-tops yesterday in hopes that they might be easier to get on (still not as far as me putting them on, we're just not there yet) but for whoever puts them on and I'm also hopeful they'll help support my ankle a bit more.  I currently have a tiny little scrap on my foot (same kind/spot as the one I had that the nurse at rehab wrapped and what not) that we have wrapped and healing.  It's not even a big deal, but, my socks keep rubbing it.  

My anxiety issues are still there, but, better.  I guess probably the reason I haven't been posting is not much has changed.  

Last night I went for dinner with my sister and my nephew  and I was transferring into the booth and my shoe got stuck on my footrest. Keep in mind, my sister is holding my sleeping nephew and still trying to help; the lady sitting at a table across from us (who has young kids of her own) gets up and asks if she can help. At this point, I'm not going to say no because I'm really sure what I can do. She helps me and then moves my chair back.  As we are getting up to leave, I knew I'd be fine, but there she was again :). Then, she stood in front of me paying her bill and held the door open and told me she hoped I had a great evening.  You know,  there are a lot of ignorant people in the world, but, besides the fact that fighting through it is so worth it, it makes me extra grateful when there is people like this lady.

Anyways, I hope everyone is doing well.  

J

"He's not jaded or bitter, he's gonna leave the givin' up for the quitters."

Steps.

I went out of town this weekend to visit my grandparents for the day. To all you non-Canadian readers, it was Thanksgiving this weekend so we decided to get have lunch with them.  They have stairs in their apartment and dad assumed he was going to be the one carting me up and down. Instead, I dared to try something. I walked. Up and back down with no AFOS and virtually no help from dad (until we got to going down and I damn near went face first because my shoes were tied funky.  He may have had to help when we got to the very top where there was no railing or I may have just arm planted it onto the floor, I don't remember).  My grandparents haven't seen me walk in a LONG time, so this was a big deal. My grandma was quite excited and my grandpa who is generally pretty quiet was quite impressed.

I was pretty freaking thrilled.  I've been able to walk up and down stairs for sometime, but always needed a lot of supervision and sometimes a lot of physical support and usually AFOS.

But what was truly different about this time was the confidence I felt.  I looked at the stairs and thought, "I CAN do this. I WILL do this."     I credit the confidence to all the walking that we do at work.  Sometimes, it feels like walking at work gets me nowhere.  Sure, it helps my muscles, but my boss still has to be there, he still has to be ready to react at any given second, so I thought the confidence I felt was confidence in his ability and knowing he was ready to stop falls, provide assistance, and just generally his ability to keep walking a safe thing for me.  That was until Saturday. Yes, I most certainly have confidence in him, but, I have some new confidence in my own ability, too.  When we walk, he tells me good job or that I'm walking faster or whatever, but, I don't see it.  That's hard. I know he's right and that I am doing better than when I first started ( at least comfort wise), but, sometimes I feel like people tell me they see improvement just to make me feel better. Proving to myself this weekend, proving that work has paid off was a pretty awesome feeling.

My next big goal is to use my walker without needing to use the gait belt (the thing that is used to hold onto to me in case I start falling or need help). How I'll go about it, I'm not sure. I might see if I can go back to Rehab for a couple of sessions or at least to let my Physical Therapist assess whether she feels this is something I am ready to do.

For now, I am happy with where I'm at.

  "A thousand miles, a leap of faith and that first step and you'll find out just how strong you are.
  Keep on shootin' for the moon, reachin' for the stars, runnin' with the wind, followin' your heart and          flyin'. Laugh until you cry, listen to the rain, love with all ya' got. Never be afraid of dreamin', believe in. You can.  You win, you lose. You fall, you climb. You only fail if you don't try."- " You Can"- Jason Blaine.

J

Really People?

I had a good few days off. Chemistry is going really well. Shoulder is still kind of icky.  Work is a bit better.

I am posting tonight because I read something that made me very angry.  On the right hand side of my blog is a link to Caleb's blog.  Caleb is a sweet, independent, happy, vibrant, little boy who just happens to have Spina Bifida.  His mom started a blog to share their journey; to help families going through the same thing.  His mom posted a picture of his Halloween costume on the blog and when she Googled wheelchair Halloween costumes, she found this picture with a crude joke plastered all over the Internet.  I don't know what it was and frankly, I don't want to know.  When she asked to have it taken down, most sites took care of it, no questions asked.  Others were downright rude.  I fail to see what is wrong with people.  I will never understand it.  We all blog to vent, to share our journey, to celebrate progress, and to find sources of support.  If you don't like what I write, fine. You don't have to.  But, until you have walked my journey, until you know what it feels like, don't joke and don't judge.  This is what forces so many people to never start a blog or to stop using their blog.  So much wasted knowledge and support. For what? A stupid joke.


 Please make sure to remind people that you read their blog and that they are valuable.

To Caleb's Mama ( and all the other bloggers out there), I appreciate you.  I share in your joy, I feel your pain, and I know that we all have unique journeys, but, because of people like you who are willing to share your happiest and worst moments I know that I am not alone, that miracles and progress (little and big) are possible, and that there are things so very worth fighting for.

I will stand up and fight.  I have an army of people to join me.


Thank you for sharing in this journey.

"He's no jaded or bitter, he's gonna leave the givin' up for the quitters."

J

Vacay!

I took some time off work.  Originally, I was supposed to have Monday-Friday off.  Another co-worker has Friday off so I'd said I'd come back Friday to help them out.  Then I dropped Physics, so, I decided I'd go back Wednesday.  I'm actually looking forward to going back. I'm bored. I think a few days off is probably what I needed, though.

Yeah, Physics became a point of WAY to much stress.  I decided to drop it and try it again later on.  I was doing pretty well in the beginning but, then, got behind so I started rushing through assignments and quizzes and ended up doing very poorly to the point that I felt there was no point in completing the course because I KNOW I can do well, I just need a fresh start and to keep on top of it.  I have enrolled in an online Chemistry class that has an official start date of tomorrow.  After that course is over, I will try Physics again.

My shoulders are giving me a run for my money right now as well.  Pain and tingling.  Blah.

Anyways, when some exciting stuff happens I'll be sure to update.

"He's not jaded or bitter, he's gonna leave the givin' up for the quitters."

J

And Then...

My birthday was pretty freaking awesome! I celebrated from Thursday-Monday with family and friends.  Dinners. Movie. Shopping. All fun stuff!

Waterski season is over, unfortunately, but I am counting down the days until June 1st when I can get out the water again.  The person I was side skiing with has offered to do it again next season. We are just trying to line up a release person (the person who releases the rope from my ski if I wipe out) and I'm thinking dad will be able to do that. I'm thinking I may use a week of holidays and spend some evenings out on the water.  Such an amazing feeling being out there. 

Speaking of holidays, school has started up again so I have taken a week off to get work done and close the books on this Physics class. 

I also ended up back at the medi-clinic again. I had been having some side pain that turned into back pain and suspected a UTI. Yup. 7 days of Macrobid twice a day.  

So needless to say, things are busy as ever.

Thanks for reading!

J

"He's not jaded or bitter, he's gonna leave the givin' up for the quitters."

Exhausted

Emotionally. Physically. I am breaking.

My shoulder has started hurting day in and out again.  I don't know what set it off, but, I do know that I was supposed to go waterskiing Monday and couldn't because my shoulder hurt.  That made me sad. Really sad.  This is the first time in a long time my shoulder has put the kibosh on something I really wanted to do.  I went for lunch with a friend and was probably not all that fun to be around.

Monday was an ok day at work.  Tuesday was whatever. Wednesday and Thursday were bad.  Anxiety attacks. Pure frustration. I don't know exactly why.  I do know that I have been in a slump.  That is sales.  It sucks but, it's true.  The bossman and I had a chat yesterday and he assured me it happens it to everyone.  He also thinks it might do me some good to take a few days off and gave me a few options for doing that, so that is something I need to consider.  I love my job.  I really do, but, I think sometimes I forget that I can only do so much.  I can not control other people (cause my life would be SO much easier and less stressful :) I need a break.  I have next Thursday off as of now because it's my birthday, so that'll be cool and my birthday party is Friday which I'm excited about.

I'm hopeful that after a good night's sleep and some time off and some things to look forward to, things will get better cause I'm hanging on by a thread at the moment.

Please say a prayer that the constant headaches and shoulder pain subside and that anxiety gets better and that work gets less stressful and more productive.

As always,

Thanks for reading.

J

"He's not jaded or bitter, he's gonna leave the givin' up for the quitters."

Not a Good End to the Week.

I went waterskiing last Monday and had a ball! This time I only wiped out twice and only needed to be held onto while we were doing the turns.  I ended up actually being able to ski back to the dock and throw the rope, and get out of the wake.  I am trying to arrange to go next week when I have some time off.  I am also looking for a nice pink lifejacket.  Anyone have any tips?

On Wednesday I woke up in the middle of the night with a sore throat, Wednesday night, my boss told me I looked totally wiped, so I went home and got some sleep. Thursday, I  walked in and the first thing he said after I said hi was don't take this the wrong way, but, you sound like crap. Why are you here? I am seriously committed to my job, is the reason, maybe.  Thursday night I told him if I still feel this bad, he cut me off before I could even finish sand said. Stay home. I'm ordering you to :).  I didn't stay home because I went to an appointment yesterday morning to have my backrest installed and did fine.  Big mistake. I felt like crap shortly after I got there so when dad got off work, I would have him come pick me up.  My eye had been kind of funny all week, sore underneath my actual eye (the boney part) but, I assumed it was sinus issues.  Then yesterday it became really, really itchy and my supervisor told me it looked really red and it hurt to blink. My boss thought it was pink eye so I freaked out and told dad I was going to the medi-clinic.  I arranged for the bus to come pick me up (after being on hold for about 18 minutes).  No pink eye as far as they can tell, just a sty.  It is super itchy, but, if you scratch it, it hurts and you don't want it to pop because if you get bacteria in your eye, it's going to get infected. Doctor said to do hot compresses and if it doesn't get better in a week or so, to come back.  As far as the cold goes, no antibiotics as of now, but if it hangs on or gets worse, back I go. I felt really bad about leaving work, but, of course, it was fine and I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to things like that.  I texted my boss twice to make sure no one was mad. No it's fine. Are you SURE? Yes, no big deal.  Even before I left: Is this an issue? Did I say anything about it being an issue? No.... Yeah it's a HUGE issue and I think you should be worried about your job (insert sarcastic tone here.) Well that's not funny.  No, it's not a problem. Go to the doctor. Do you see a pattern here? :)


I got a new backrest yesterday.  A Varilite Icon and I love it ($700 later...) My DME also showed me a cool demo chair that he had there; a Panthera. It is the lights chair on the market I believe and it was made by a Formula One race car driver who was injured and became a quadriplegic.  He made the chair out of different materials from his racing days which I thought was awesome.  DME thinks when I need a new chair, it'll be a good option for me as far as my shoulder goes, although, adaptability of this chair is not as nearly as wide as something like a TiLite. The reason for that is keeping it light and also, the prototype for the chair was two million dollars, so a prototype for when people need something adapted would be more of an expense as compared to a profit.


My seatbelt has needed to be looked at for a while (it came off again) and so, he showed me something that Body Point just came out with (I was the first one to try it, he had just taken it out of the package.). It is a seatbelt that is mounted the seat rails of my chair and it is rigid (has no give) so when you take it off, it goes out to the either side and stays like that (doesn't fall in between the wheels and side guards)  He told me if I want to buy it, I can and he'll get another demo.  It is padded so, that's a bonus.  It is $140 which isn't all that bad for a brand new product that is a medical expense.

Ok, I'm done. Time for some cold meds and tea :)

"He's not jaded or bitter, he's gonna leave the givin' up for the quitters."

J

Blah

Waterskiing was a no go... it rained.

The real reason I am blogging tonight is to ask for prayers for Ryan Clausing and family.Their legal battle has taken a turn.  Their lawyer is now advising they take the $25,000 insurance money that they were promised right after the accident and not fight it any further as the case against the mom of the girl who hit him (she was under 18 at the time of the accident?) has now also been dropped.  $25,000 is nothing in the lifetime of someone who has special needs.    Please pray for them as their battle continues on.

"He's not jaded or bitter. He's gonna leave the givin' up for the quitters."

J

I'm Hooked!

Hey all!

So I have lots of good news...

I have discovered I LOVE waterskiing; I went on Friday and had a ball.  I wiped out the very first go around and managed to come right out of my ski (I freaked out a bit) so, back to the dock we went.  The next time I managed to stay in my ski so, all they had to do was get the rope and put me right side up and we were off.  I was even able to ski by myself for a little while, and then I wiped out and we called it a day.  The plan is to get back out on the water on Monday, except with sunscreen this time cause I got a wicked burn.  I think this is going to be really good for my shoulders, too.  They were sore the next day, but a different part of them.  One of the things we know is that my shoulders obviously do more "pushing" than "pulling" so, this may be the "pull" my shoulder needs :).

The other good news is that my old boss is back which means... WALKING!  We've walked once already and I was pretty shaky because I haven't walked since he left which, by the time we started walking again, had been just over 2 months. I got there once and I'll get there again.

"He's not jaded or bitter, he's gonna leave the givin' up for the quitters."

J

Back in the Saddle

Tomorrow I'm going back to Hippotherapy. I am PUMPED!  You see, ever since PT coming to an end and my boss leaving, there hasn't been much in the way of therapy. Anyhow, I will be going to that every 2 weeks in July and then we'll see what August brings.  I'm very excited to be back to stretching, working on balance, and standing.  I'm sure there will probably have been some regression, but,  we'll get there.

I am also going water-skiing on Friday and I'm not sure whether I'm more excited for riding or that.  I'm kind of scared because it's new.  It's a big step.  I'm not one for change or adventure, but it's time to stop being scared and letting the chair get in the way of the things I want to do and try.  Any water-skiers have any advice?

J

"He's not jaded or bitter, he's gonna leave the givin' up for the quitters."

Better Days.

Things are better in some regard now.  I can't sleep, so I'm blogging.  I tried the power standing chair (power stand, but a manual chair.) and surprisingly after using it for a few says, my vote is no.  I like it and standing at work is awesome (I miss walking like.... a lot and I thought this might help), but it just isn't practical and if I'm paying $17,000 it better be practical.  Here's the thing, it weighs 50 pounds and is a major pain to get in/out of so.... it just isn't what I expected.  That's ok, though. You can't know until you try.


My shoulder has also been bad lately and I am back to fighting daily pain and headaches/migraines.

Just thought I would update and say that things are better!

Please pray that my shoulder calms down, we can get driving stuff started ASAP, and that I begin to feel less stress and anxiety.

"He's not jaded or bitter, he's gonna leave the givin' up for the quitters."

J

Sometimes....

I want to give up.  I want to tell people to stop being so useless, unsupportive, stupid, and downright shitty.

I get tired of excuses and apologies.

This all started yesterday when a friend and I went to watch some fireworks.  As soon as we got there one of his friends asked as he was getting my chair out of the car "Is that a stroller?" Stupid question #1.  Then she says "That's pretty high-tech." Ok, whatever.  Then I get my chair and she starts pushing me without asking if it's ok.  Stupid move #1.  Then, she says "Oh, I've always wanted to do this." and starts asking my friend questions about me like I'm not even there.   I HATE when people do that.  I understand that people can be ignorant but, there's a difference between ignorance and stupidity.  Then she had invited us back to her house for a bon fire and her mom goes well I didn't know there was a chair involved. Excuse me? I'm sitting in that chair right in front of you.  Fully capable of hearing and comprehending every word you say.


I'm sick of friends slowly drifting away.  Sick of feeling like an inconvenience to everyone.  Sick of fighting with insurance. Sick of being stressed and anxious all the time.  Sick of things being frustrating and tiring.  Sick of the lack of therapy.  I feel like I've written this post a time or two and I will write an upbeat and positive one at some point soon because there is ALWAYS good somewhere.  I just need to vent.

As a side note, I am going to try some standing chairs on Monday.  Please pray that insurance will be willing to fund the chair (the power chair/ power stand is like $40,000!)


Thanks for listening or reading or... whatever you wanna call it :)


J

" He's not jaded or bitter, he's gonna leave the givin' up for the quitters."

p.s... This is a need to listen :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebEdMGJRHY8&ob=av2e