I feel like I have NO strength left. It just isn't fun anymore. The doctors appointments. The pain. The "unknown" of so many things. The equipment needs that seem to never end The Physical Therapy, which is something that will never be over and something I hold a lot of guilt about because I know I should do it but, I don't. The Occupational Therapy. I went there thinking "oh he'll fix everything.". Well ladies and gentleman, that was a rude awakening Being there has made me realize I have a lot more work to do than I thought and there are things that just can't be fixed, . My OT can not fix my visual/processing problems; he can not fix that I have a brain injury. I'll be honest. That kills me. I want to drive. I want to worry about what I'm going to wear tomorrow, not if I'm actually going to wake up having a good or bad day with pain.I don't want to worry about whether I will actually be able to accomplish getting my AFOS and shoes on in time, or whether my Resource Teacher will maybe, just maybe be a half decent person for the day. You get the point. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm letting myself vent. These feelings have poured out following Thursday which entailed forgetting my binder at school (and I'm off for a week with an assignment due the first day back and a test that Friday), going to OT and getting power chair, then there was the issues at OT. I feel awful. Plain and simple. I blogged about how much I didn't want the power chair, but what I didn't say, was how rude I was to him. I know that he always has and always will have my best interest at heart, but I was SO mad at him, mom, and dad because of making me get the power chair. He basically said that he had gotten it for me and done his job and now it was up to me to make the right choices. Very true. . I didn't even so much as say thank you. I seriously owe him an apology AND a thank you. Then there's the renos. Fuck. It's got everyone in a pissy, stressed mood. I know they are for me so we can get out, but I want them to just be D O N E as does everyone else. Then it's making mom miserable. If mom ain't happy, nobody is. I'll admit, having a child with special needs is hard. I know it is. She's tired just like me and so every time I bring up a therapy, or doctor, or pain, or anything related, she seems to be very snappy.I know she doesn't mean to be. She does so much for me. She fights silly therapists and teachers and other team members so I have everything I need. That makes me feel bad. Really bad. I have never written this because... it's hard for me to admit. I wish she didn't have to. I wish I could be like her other three children who didn't need these things. I know neither of my parents blame me. They love me for me and these are my own insecurities. I actually broke down and told my dad that I feel badly about it. His response. "You don't need to and you shouldn't feel badly. You didn't ask for any of this. You didn't ask to have legs that don't work. You didn't ask to need a wheelchair" No, he's right, I didn't and I hate that I feel guilty about it.
My aunt put the Cerebral Palsy Awareness entry I wrote on her Facebook. This is the side of me most people see. The happy, upbeat, positive kid who accepts her circumstances. I try to be that kid and the sad part is, I think I do it for others more than I do it for me. The thing is, I'm not ok with my circumstances at this very moment,. I want to be just like everyone else. If it were just the walking that would be different. It's not the walking. It's the stress of everything that being in a wheelchair involves.
Prayers for strength, hope, faith, less stress, mom to be in a better mood, and a much better session at therapy this week (for me and my amazingly patient OT)
"Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict."- William Ellery Channing
J
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